“I found out my partner was cheating when my baby was 6 weeks old. Here’s what I did next.”

Picture this – your brand new 6-week-old baby is sleeping in his bassinet under his grandmother’s watchful eye. You’re showering, getting ready to find out when you and bub can be admitted to a mental healthcare facility. Postpartum depression has you feeling like you’ve lost grip on reality. Suddenly, your husband comes home from work, walks into the bathroom, and tells you your marriage is over. Your ears begin to ring, your head begins to spin, but clear as a bell and without hesitation you speak; “Who is she?” In November 2023, this is exactly how my marriage ended – but there was (and is) far more to the story.

Postpartum depression was a fixture since before my baby boy’s arrival, but not because of the ‘hormones’. Four days before our son’s birth, my now ex husband and partner of eight years came to me with a made up conundrum; he said he felt he wanted to ‘flee’ our relationship, and like he was going to ruin my life, but didn’t know why. It turned out, there was a pretty cut and dry reason – he was sleeping with another woman. For exactly how long, I’m not certain.

Nonetheless, he left me with our newborn son for the gym client he had been cheating on me with throughout my pregnancy. They’re still together to this day. So, what did I do next?

Hour 1

First, I went into shock. There I was, dripping in the shower wondering what the hell had just happened. There he went, skulking from the bathroom with no more than an “I don’t love you anymore, I can’t do this.” As soon as the words fell from his mouth, I knew he was leaving me for another woman, and I knew who. I’m intuitive, and his odd behaviour over the preceding months began to fall neatly into place. Things like new clothes, designer underwear, strange cologne, and unseasonably shaved pubes (i.e. the first time he had ever done it in his life), suddenly made sense. I sprang from the shower, insisting he owed me, our eight years and our son a better explanation than that.

By this point, my mother had rallied my two older sisters. One was already sitting in the lounge room, and the other was texting me the vital next steps. She started with, “mark the separation date in writing for the courts”. In my state of shock, practical action was grounding. I fired off an email with the subject line ‘Separation Date’ and a short, clinical explanation why. Her next piece of advice? Treat him like a business transaction – keep the communication sterile and to the point. This served me well when it came to lodging divorce, parenting and financial settlement papers. However, I am a feeling human being, and many an ‘unhinged’ text followed over the proceeding weeks. I just wanted to know why. I still don’t have an answer, and I’ve realised that’s okay. Those who hurt us can’t heal us. Repeat the mantra.

Day 1

Over the next two hours, I painfully extracted the truth from him. I had no cards to play other than “If I looked at your phone right now, would I find the answer to the question I just asked?”

Finally he confirmed that he had been cheating with the bikini-clad blonde who’d been mysteriously popping up in my instagram suggested friends. Mystery solved. Sanity restored.

This validation after weeks of gaslighting and months of strange behaviour totally negated my need to be admitted to a mental healthcare facility. I hadn’t lost my grip on reality. I was actually dead on the money. If you feel as though you’re ‘crazy’ after giving birth, (or your partner is literally telling you that you are), check your environment, lean on your support network, get professional help, and most importantly, know that you are not crazy. Trust your gut, and believe the evidence.

After he went back to work, I video called my three best friends from high school. When your world as you know it implodes, rally the troops.

The final step that day? A soft landing at my older sister’s house. Bags and baby in tow, I spent the first night of the rest of my new life in my 10-year-old niece’s bedroom with my baby boy.

The next 12 months

It may seem odd that I’m condensing a full year of healing into one section, but a lot of the same themes recurred in that time. One of my (many) mantras for this season was ‘meditate and medicate.’ I did this in the literal sense, and used it as an overarching metaphor for two main categories of my healing; spiritual / emotional, and physical / practical. Below are my tried and true methods, but if you (un)fortunately find yourself in a similar position, there’s a myriad of other approaches. It’s not one size fits all.

Spiritual / emotional healing

• Nightly sleep meditation using the Smiling Mind and Insight Timer apps.
• Gym workouts five days per week (arguably physical, but I needed it for my mental health the most).
• Cathart. However you see fit. Write letters to your ex and his mistress that you never intend to send. Journal your feelings. Paint. Make a terrible trinket dish from air dry clay. Whatever works!
• Kinesiology. I can’t praise Inner West Kinesiology highly enough. Mel did (and continues to) save me.
• Psychology, counseling, psychiatry, hypnotherapy – something! I tried all these forms of therapy. Fortunately for me, my sister is a certified hypnotherapist and owner of
• Equilibrium Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy. Talk it out with a neutral party whose job it is to support people just like you.
• Know thyself. Take the time to find out who you really are – as a mother and as an individual.
• Be present with your baby. This one was (and sometimes still is) tough, but he is teaching me. When your instinct is to escape the traumatising reality of an event, enjoying small moments with your baby is a practice that will benefit you both.

Physical / practical healing

• Get. A. Good. Lawyer! And do it straight away. Don’t miss out on your entitlements for your ex’s placation, like I did. You’ve got your child – and yourself – to put first.
• Medication. Listen to your healthcare professionals, and don’t feel bad if you need some chemical assistance. You’ve just been through hell. Treat yo’self (literally, under the guidance of a doctor).
• Pelvic floor physiotherapy. Because, incontinence.
• Eat well.
• Lean on your support network. We lived with my sister and her kids for five months, and now we’re in her rental unit. If family and friends are willing to help, accept it. You will need it, and that’s okay.
  

All of the above sounds great in (tested) theory, but put simply, you can’t ‘logic’ your way out of emotion. Things have to be felt and released, and you need to test what works for you. You also can’t expedite your healing. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but time well spent does. It’s not linear, you’ll eb and flow – and that’s okay.

Today, reading back over old group messages with claims like “I don’t know how I’m going to do this”, “I feel so broken, in every way possible” and “I’m an idiot” almost make me laugh. I’m through it. I’m flourishing. I’m intelligent, intuitive, and wise. Whatever you may be going through as a new parent, shut down the mean voices in your head, because you deserve the same comfort from yourself that you would give to a friend.

When you are rejected, it can feel hard not to seek reasons for being ‘unlovable’. But honestly? It’s their loss! If you’ve been made to feel as though you’re ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ they’re welcome to go get less. You are enough. And remember, there’s no such thing as rejection; it’s simply redirection. These sentiments are more vital to me now than ever before. Halfway through writing this article, I was made redundant from my day job in marketing. After flexing my ‘grace’ and ‘surrender’ muscles moment to moment since my separation, I have taken the news really well. It’s the universe guiding me to focus on my new business Re/ Artists Collective, and our upcoming exhibition Re/ Woman.

If you’d like to support me and the other incredible female artists I’m bigging up, connect with us on socials, or even come along to the exhibition. It’s being held at Flow Studios 88 in Camperdown on 6 April 2024 from 6-9 PM. See you there, beautiful mumma!

Written by Alexandria Brock, writer, mum, artist, feminist.